Blooming meadow

[Sensitivity warning]

I hurt again last night
With fists and knuckles
pounding bare skin
I kept hitting the same spots
Until I screamed
Watching the purple flowers unfold
My skin is a blooming meadow
Thriving with pain

I didn’t mean to inflict damage
No – I wanted the hurt to stop
I know I was stupid
I should have taken my pills and gone to sleep
But the anger!
The fear!
I thought I could hit it all quiet
Shutting all the screaming mouths
Now their shadows are etched in blue and yellow on my arms
Shouting: A battle was fought here
There wasn’t a winner
They struggled until exhaustion took them
Now their dying smiles
Form a blooming meadow
where nothing but shame grows

I’ve developed a different kind of panic attacks recently. At first I get this overwhelming feeling of anger, unsure towards what, then frustration, desperation, pure fear. It’s like a hammer constantly pounding on my chest and I can’t make it stop. It goes on for hours. I search for a way of letting it out but I don’t know how. I started hitting myself repeatedly, finding the spots on my arms where it hurt most and targeted them. Now I have bruises and a terrible shame.


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