It hurts


Artist: Howard Hopkins


I think of the cracked painting in my room, and it hurts
Hard work spilled
For something I couldn’t appreciate
I think of all the lives that were never fully lived, and it hurts
I think of the scars on your arms where I sank my teeth and it hurts
I think of his leathery wings brushing tears off my cheek, but the thoughts won’t stop, and they keep falling
I imagine our flight and the heavens catch fire beneath us
I dig myself deeper to make it hurt more
(Eventually it has to stop, right?)
My mind is starving and want’s blood
I can’t afford to spill
You offer me yours, but I just can’t live on fantasies
They only increase the longing
And longing brings starvation

I still feel all of their hands on my back
Impelling me, pushing me in different directions
Living is never enough
It has to hurt
You knew when you told me
“I won’t stop cutting unless you stop being so goddamned pretty
And if you cry about this, it only proves you don’t care”
So I hold back my tears
(God, it hurts)
Hoping maybe, maybe I won’t bite into your flesh too
My teeth tend to leave ugly marks on people like you

I thought having your heart broken was worse than being the one breaking it
Now I know I was the lucky one all along
You see, as much hurt as it did to my body
(You, inside me, telling me to just hold still and accept it)
(You, telling me that maybe if I said yes just one more time, you’d love me)
(Just one more time)
(I’ll love you soon)
And as much as I’ll never recover from the shame
Yet every push made my mind drift further away
Until I was free
And you weren’t
Now you tell me you lay crying out my name at night
Full of regret
And I tell you “I don’t care.”
So say I’m heartless
(Really, I don’t mind)

My thoughts are a weapon
They try to kill me in my sleep
Saying “You deserved this.”
But truth is, no one does
And the wounds will always sing to those who listen
So I wake up, and turn all the fiery words into soft, soft feathers
Building wings that make me fly
So that I can follow him
The voice that calls me from another world
Eyes that gaze from beyond the sea
I no longer have to bleed to feel close to him
I no longer carve his name into my skin
He lives safely inside me
This man
I’ve always known
In the castle where everything is safe
And nothing ever hurts


It’s been too long without posting anything here, so have this huge, chaotic piece of my mind. This one resolves around a lot of people that have or has had an inflict upon me (imaginary or real). I’ve gone trough a few rough days with a lot of memories floating up to the surface and as the title says, it hurts. But then again, who would I be if it didn’t?



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