A study in fear

Eight years old, I was afraid of monsters
living on the inside of my eyelids
Flashing before me as I blink
Glaring back from the mirror
Crawling out of my wardrobe
I kept mumbling spells and rhymes
as to ward them off
Couldn’t take my eyes off my reflection
Had to smile back at them
So they wouldn’t hurt me

Ten year old, I cried myself to sleep each night
My body started growing teeth from the inside
Scratching at my skin
An omen of something bad to come

Twelve years old, I begun to realize
The horrible dread of being
The lonely journey ahead of me
I learned of the three sacred rules
1. No one could protect me.
2. I could protect no one.
3. No matter what we did death would always be a step ahead of us.
I dreamed of fires that tore down houses we built
Of bones cracking and flesh splitting
I found myself staring into the mirrors,
the dark corners of my room
hoping that the monsters would come back
and give my fear a face

By the time I turned fourteen,
the world had lost its virginity
By rape
Nowhere to hide
No way to heal
I spent days alone in my room
watching as the red flew from my veins
I examined every inch of my skin
Finding out where things hurt the most
My life ahead of me?
I laughed
No promise of a bright future was worth this fear

Sixteen years, and my body had become a stranger
I made an art out of hurting it
Tearing myself down
so you could live
and calling it love

Six years later,
and I still don’t know how to exist properly
without that feeling of being pulled somewhere else
Behind the mirror
Into the dark places
I was too scared to look at
as a child

I know, this piece is a mess. Forgive me. I felt like posting something since I haven’t been active in a month.

Malicia

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3 thoughts on “A study in fear

    • Why thank you so much, I will definitively be more active from now on, I just get slumps when I feel like I can’t produce anything worthy of reading. Probably a mindset problem. I don’t think I ever been compared to someone like Sylvia Plath, that’s really bold and I appreciate it!

      Like

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