About “Miscarriage”

I was very surprised to see the amount of response I got when I posted the latest of my literary ramblings on Sudden Denouement collective.

Yes, I am part of a collective now. I’m honestly not sure how this happened but it’s a huge deal for me to be recognized by other writers. I’m honored beyond words.
You can check out my post here: https://suddendenouement.com/2016/12/12/miscarriage/
And check out the other works as well. All the writers are insanely talented.

After everything this post brought me I feel like saying a few words about its origins.

I’m working on a novel. And it’s hard. Writing is not always a rose garden, as I’m sure you know. But this is beyond anything I ever experienced. It’s my journey. My odyssey. It’s beautiful, but damn if it doesn’t hurt like hell too!

My continuous self-doubt is slowing my progress. Some people find this weird. Yeah, I’ve gotten this far. Yeah, I work hard and yeah, I’m determined. And hell, the publisher bloody well called me, expressing his interest in what I’m writing.
So what’s the fucking problem?
(Sorry for the bad language.)

Well after all of this, I still don’t believe I’m good. Quite the opposite. I think I’m bloody worthless. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe in anything I accomplish. No matter how hard I work it’s never enough, I keep on judging myself because I could have done better. I’ve worked myself to the point of exhaustion, mentally and physically. I was on the breaking point.

That’s when I wrote Miscarriage.
Hastily, boldly, and pouring my anger and disappointment into each word. If you didn’t figure it out already, the poem is about my fear of failure. The deformed fetus represents trying to create something and realize you’ll never make it.
“Stay dead” is what a part of me wished right then. For the dream to stay dead and not come back to haunt me again. In that moment I wrote it I felt like the idea of writing my novel had forced itself into me, and wasn’t something I had decided for myself.
Maybe not even something I truly wanted.

Of course I realize it isn’t true. I do want it. And taking this journey was my conscious decision, no one else’s.

So what am I going to do now? Well, I’ll pick up my writing where I left off. Greet my anxiety and self-doubt as the old, well known friend it is and continue despite it. I’m not done here.

Malicia

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10 thoughts on “About “Miscarriage”

  1. I was working when I read this and had to stop and take a break. The work is monumental. The first time I read it I had the same experience–I had to stop for a few minutes and think. That is what great art does, it causes us to think. Your explanation is almost as stunning as the work itself. When I am a witness to great art, it often takes my breath away, that is often how I know what I am beholding is not just good but great. The reason that someone wanted you to write a novel is because your work is special to say the least. Thank you for your kind words about Sudden Denouement. It means a great deal to me, and your participation means even more.

    I am going to reblog this on Sudden Denouement this evening.

    Much love and respect,

    Jasper Kerkau

    Liked by 3 people

      • If you are like me, you are a perfectionist. EVERYTHING I do, I judge as I could have done better. I finally said fuck this, sometimes good enough is good enough and I started throwing out my writing. I told myself that this is cathartic, for me and no one else. The fact that I have received so much support showed me that maybe I am a good writer. Just some food for thought. I think you are brilliant. My friend Jasper summed it up best in the above comment. I would read anything you put into any medium you wanted. Much love and respect!

        Liked by 1 person

      • We do indeed have the writing perfectionist trait in common. And you’re absolutely right, I think to ultimately reach your goal you have to step out of your comfort zone and write even though you doubt its quality. I’m still working on that one. Your mindset is truly inspiring, I hope I get there too. Thank you so much for the kind words and your support, all the warm response I’ve received lately is truly baffling. I never expected people to like my stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re not the only one who is chronically unsatisfied with whatever you have written. For me it seems that always there exists a reason to feel as if for whatever reason I’m not good enough. It is a common problem for creative folks even when faced with mounting evidence to the contrary. Keep writing, keep creating, and stick with it. The only ones who fail as writers are those who stop trying.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the inspirational words, I’ll keep them in mind as I start off today by facing my manuscript after a three day break. (That’s long for me.) Indeed it seems to be some kind of sickness creative people share. And it’s so true, the only way to fail is to give up. Which I’m not. Ever. Stubbornness I believe is a prominent trait in a writer or artist.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m in the UK, up early to write as most days, imperfect words yet me, I can live with it, I’m human, perfection as knowledge a state of mind, transient, we leave our mark, as to why, an inner pull, a something, some will see, some choose not too, I see your words, see someone who writes beyond the edge, set free, believe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, your encouragement means so much and yes, I’m slowly working on coming to terms with the fact it’s okay not to write perfectly, that in fact no one can, and creating great stuff takes time. I’m flattered you think I’m that good. I will keep this in the back of my head as a reminder when things get tough.

      Liked by 1 person

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