Gl||tch

 

Sometimes, I accidentally fall
trough the pavement
underneath bundles of clingy vines, cigarette butts and
petrified fossils of chewing gum
the world below is still
ever resting
but trough the moving sky
and the electrified clouds
I can still hear the screams
of children being pulled into adulthood
threads ripping,
women cutting their skin open
and quietly dripping glue into the wounds
at 4 am beneath the kitchen table
Someone told me this was real
This,
a lifetime long wait
at a desolate train station
with nothing but the distorted laughter
of bloated rats to comfort me
I shook my head
nothing makes sense
and the train
won’t stop for me
I’m invisible, caught in between the platforms
like a badly coded game character
in an endless bug loop
wave. stare. and smile?
repeat my assigned lines
Hello would you like some assistance?
hello hello,.
It’s time to reset
to be reduced into a noise,
a random code segment floating around
between bliss and agony
screaming eternally
into the muffling hand of god

Teratophilia

My latest poem up on Sudden Denouement, along with my drawing. Check it out!

Sudden Denouement Literary Collective

18083774_1399831520109623_1963768446_o Drawing (c) Malicia Frost // Henna Sjöblom

I never wanted your understanding
All I need is a mouth
someone who roars louder than me
someone who grabs first and asks not
whether I’m enjoying it
to block out
my own desires
I have chosen to love the monster
I did not ask for it,
still
I think I’m quite comfortable in here

Being bitten is painful and familiar
I collect his teeth as trophies
like soldiers stacking bullets around their necks
like we used to compare our scars
in middle school
“I think he’s getting more violent,” you whispered
and shivered in terror and ecstasy
over the thought of getting torn apart
at the dinner table that night

Now,
my skin has become a topographic map of wars
that were never recorded in history
My anxious fingers wander up to his jawline
and starts deciphering
where the next impact will…

View original post 107 more words

Battle of Boredom – Malicia Frost

Sharing my latest contribution to Sudden Denouement Literary Collective, which I’m honored to be a part of. Read it here!

Sudden Denouement Literary Collective

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There was a war that day
indisputably
although, nobody talked about it
you would see them walking by a little faster
their funny hats tilting from side to side
Sometimes the sky would shatter above us
And bleed neon blue
the drains would flood
the cats drown in screeches
what good is having nine lives
if you don’t know how to stay afloat

People are all the same
Everyone would unfold their umbrellas
Hoping for the weather to clear
The shards of metal and from the air
they stay cramped in their corners
watching their toes rot away from the humidity

Under-dressed little girl
strutting about, singing
dead men can walk
madness her name
lost her little mind
in the deluge
the acid raindrops
digging trough her temples
like a poem
and when the streets eventually dried up
she would be found crying
in the sewer
bent over the…

View original post 108 more words

Caged

Caged
Are you attracted to wounded animals?
Come here, sweetie
I’ll show you my scars
tell you how I’ve suffered
to make you get on your knees for me
I’m not responsible
For your careless desires
Do you like it only when it can’t hurt you?
Do you like it only when I whimper?
You should be ashamed
You’re the one walking
on the other side of the bars
Won’t you pity a carcass
an empty lover
to hide inside?
I would have heard you say no
if I didn’t see the blood from your flower
dripping down your bruised legs
to love is to convince yourself
there is nothing more
out there

Malicia

Stake

I think I slipped again
Am I too weak to hold it in place
Shifting between the bones in my rib cage
I’ve had trouble breathing
Focusing on daily tasks is difficult when fingers
always find their way down to the pointed end
making sure it’s kept still
touch it, tickle it
I dare you
make my dopamine levels run high
make me scream because
life is so fucking fun Ain’t it fucking pretty? I like it when it hurts
like it when I feel just how alive I am
4 am in the morning and on all fours
the bathroom tiles
leaving quadratic imprints on my elbows
and I cry to the dead-eyed shower head
that someone touched me again
or maybe it was just me
having a brief moment of euphoria
turning too quickly
now it sits all wrong and I pull at the wooden hilt
screaming into the empty drain
that I do not need you
to tear at me just so I
can think
I do not need to be hit
so that I can lick my wounds later
I do not need you
you’re ruining it, ruining it
again

Sorry about the aggressive language. I wrote this during an anxiety attack. Just what I needed to break my writer’s block. 

Apologies to all my friends on SD for being inactive lately. I’ve been way too caught up in my own world, working intensely on my novel and not paying too much attention to the world around me. I’m trying to climb up from my hole. I miss you all. 

Malicia

Morphazine

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From “Innocent” by Shinichi Sakamoto

 

Connected to four different hospital beds
I hear the black-eyed angels crawling
closer
their tiny feet hammering on the ceiling tiles
like rain
pulling me out of my sleep

The god of sedation rules this place
this funny little gap between time
he serves me comforting lies
sealed in plastic tubing
to muffle their screeches
I think I’m addicted
to my deafness

I trade my dreams for piece of mind
I want to be senseless
disconnected
with his nails
digging in
my veins open and close
like weary eyes
I have lost my sight

Malicia

Parasite – A Love Story (Remastered)

[Warning: contains strong language, implied sex, suicide and other triggering themes. Thread with caution.]

It starts with you and me in a gutter
just where the last battle ended
in our collective defeat
The rain covering us in promises
comforting to you
but
unreachable to me

your figure is blurred
the contours of your neck shining like a halo
trough the mist
I clench my teeth
as if this was a good place for your god…

I can barely feel the ground
I think I’m floating
curled up in fetal position
you’re approaching
with gritted teeth

“Gow ay” I spurt
my tongue gone numb from the cold
I won’t be your savior
not this time

Shouldn’t have said that…
You reach for me hesitatingly
and when you pick me up
I think my bones break in three
maybe four places
I cry out in sheer pain but you remain calm
you scrape me off the ground
and you hold me firmly
merely an inch from your chest
the way you hold on to something sharp edged
to prevent it from cutting you trough

“I hate you,” I whisper while you carry me
the way home seems longer than before
every step sends another wave of pain trough my body
and each time I yell
with added indignation
“I hate you. I fucking hate you!
But either you are not listening
or you do not care…

You lay me down on the couch to dry
like I’m an old piece of wood
and I say it again
but choke on my own words as you’re
shoving a spoon into my mouth
not even trying to conceal the disgust on your face as you
make me swallow
every mouthful
it all runs trough me like I’m empty
you have the touch of a lover
but my skin is so cold and I’m
still floating

In the small hours of the night I drift off to sleep
my head still leaning on your arm
We share a dream
a pleasant one
the sunflower fields of home
a world outside of the machine
a very real make-believe event
your fingertips on my lips and I think I’m no longer floating

But the dream ends far too soon
and I wake up my lips wrapped around a sour, metallic pipe
You standing above me, the hand with the gun shivering like crazy
“Give me one reason not to blow your fucking brains out”
you declare this and I shrug
my teeth clattering against the barrel
What gave it away?
I must have talked in my sleep
I say nothing
You’re eyes are burning
for a minute or maybe more
When I remain quiet you curse out loudly
throwing the weapon on the couch and storming off into your room
I don’t sleep much for the rest of the night

Weeks pass by in a haze
I cling to your presence, neglecting life
and I know you love me
when you lower me into the bathtub
cleaning me gently with your hands
did you really think you could wash it all away
when you try to feed me again
I resist violently
scratching your wrists when you try to open my mouth
you pull back in terror
“Why would you do that? I’m trying to help you!”
blood deluted with salty tears when you caress the marks I left you
but you don’t understand
only by staying this weak
cold and blue and hanging on the ledge of death
can I earn your pity
so I may
be the whisper behind your ear at night
the chilly breeze from the window

The more I approach you, the weaker you grow
You become absentminded,
forgetting to lock doors behind you
Almost as if you wanted me-
no, as if you’re daring me…
it couldn’t be…

Just inside your bedroom, you’ve constructed a tower of empty liquid bottles
I don’t know which is meant to keep me out –
the mere physical obstacle,
the way I cut up my feet when stumbling over the glass containers and they shatter beneath me,
or the poison that seeps into your mind
making you numb
so much easier for me to enter

I stay up all night, silently standing guard by your bed
watching you writhe and moan among the sheets
Nothing I can do to help you now
I should
I may even want to
I can’t
I’m making it worse
curled up here
so close to your vulnerable heart
I can’t stop now
I can’t
I’m deluded, high on the sensation of being alive again
I sneak closer and closer
eventually I crawl down under the covers next to you
enjoying the sensation of your skin against mine
I am cold, cold as stone, while you are dazed with fever, your body protesting the silent intrude
I caress the exposed veins on your wrists
slowly
I’m tingling with need
then you wake with a start

“What the fuck do you want? What are you doing here?”
You make a feeble attempt to push me away
your arms lack strength
so does your mind
I descend upon you like a fog
I hear you moan as you
finally
give in

I don’t know who kissed first
no one would admit to it
we’ve started and we can’t stop
You pushing your body against mine and I
drinking your pain greedily while you
whisper curses into my mouth
Entering a symbiosis of lust and wanting
we give ourselves to each other
I cry out in pain
I cry for more
Our nest is covered in sweat and fear and passion and longing and
when you call out my name
I swear it sounds like poetry

I think I knew
that was the point from where we couldn’t recover
when it was too late
to loose the anchor
to forsake the sinking ship

It’s not like it was unexpected
I know no one could survive this kind of intimacy
with something like me
nobody can love an abyss
without being swallowed by it
the worst is, when the time comes
they usually throw themselves down willingly
no longer wanting to be apart

Hence I shouldn’t be surprised when I find you
the next morning
lying motionless on the bathroom floor
covered in crimson red
the wounds on your wrists gaping hollow
smirking at me

“How dare you?”
I yell in a high-pitched tone
as I drag your lifeless body trough the corridor
leaving a thick trail of blood behind
“How very fucking dare you try to leave me like that!”

My body fails me
as my feet slip in the warm blood and I
collapse on the floor

“God damn you!”
I yell
barely noticing
the tears falling down my cheeks
it’s all gone too far
the roles should be changed
but I’m the one cradling you
savior
victim

“I thought you were different!
You were different!”
the limp thing in my arms makes no notion of my words
a beautiful cage of flesh
a withering flower
even dead
you’re more than I will ever be
an endless drifter
a ghost
between time and space
doomed to watch everything slip trough my fingers
feeling the pulse of their last heartbeat
as it fades away in my grip
Even then I can do nothing but detach
return to the gutter
hoping for this eternal cycle to end

Such is the life of a parasite.

So, what can I say about this? It started out as a fan-fiction, inspired by something I came across online, and now it’s completely taken a life of its own. I wrote the initial version of this a long time ago on my blog, and I felt it was time I gave it a total revamp. Sorry for the length, I couldn’t keep it any shorter. It’s been a thrill to write and I’m quite pleased with the result. 

Malicia